onepassingnight | Interlude I

You said yourself that you viewed that as a punishment. So was it a punishment, or wasn't it? If it was, then the book didn't do you any good, or perhaps this is more of your incessant wordplay, or disingenuousness.

I don't see how I can accept. Not for my own sake, but for the sake of the others. The men I lead. [He shakes his head.] Actions mean far more to me than words.

Being cured was what I wanted, the price for it was not what I wanted. I view it as a good thing, only because my belief in the Goddess let me actually meet her. I could never regret nor want to take back that moment that I laid eyes on her. [It was complicated, even Genesis couldn't explain it very well.] But what ultimately happened was, indeed, a punishment. And I gladly receive it.

I never said you had to accept my apology. In fact, I think I would have been surprised if you had. I'm not going to push you to accept it nor forgive me.

[She leaned back, resting the book and her hat on her lap.]

Actions always mean more to you than words, just like it is the reverse for myself. However, I have no actions to give you, no actual way to prove how truly sorry I am for what I have done. All I can give you is my apology, the knowledge of what I am doing now, and the simple fact that I have not tried to start any sort of argument or fight with you at all.

As you said, I don't believe you saw this Goddess. It sounds like more of your madness, but if you don't regret that moment, along with all it took to reach it, then your apology is worthless. Your pretty words about penance and punishment ring hollow.

Words alone have no worth. Does that "Goddess" still mean more to you than your friends?

I've never had issue with an argument, if there was truth behind it. I'd rather you fight me than talk nonsense.

My words ring hollow to your ears because you want them to. Not because I was once insane and certainly not because I was once a friend. You don't know me anymore and you don't know what to believe. So why should my words ever have even a grain of truth in them?

No, she does not mean more to me than my friends. But you don't believe, anything I say you will not believe. I honestly have to wonder if telling you all that I have said was worth anything.

[She shakes her head and slides off the ledge, but still, no weapon is to be had.]

All my words will ever be is nonsense to you... and yet I have had enough of fighting, Sephiroth. I won't fight you. I don't ever want to fight you again.

That is not what I want. I would much rather have my friend Genesis speak to me again with words I trust.

How like you to think that if you do not achieve your most desired result, your effort was wasted. [Not only is he angry, but he is grieving, for Angeal and Genesis both, though he would not admit that to any Genesis now, male or female. He lashes out, given this chance.] At least have the honor to stand behind what you say. Perhaps this, too, is your punishment, that I will not believe you, that your words have been rendered worthless to me, when once they had meaning.

[Angry though he might be, he simply stands where he is, watching her unceasingly.] You used to enjoy fighting me.

Well, Sephiroth, all of that is entirely up to you now. I can't make you trust me again, there is no way I can, so the choice is simply yours. To perhaps see me again in my dreams or I in yours, to eventually see that I say is the truth.

But for now... I can do nothing.

[She manages to gape at him, silently, for his next words.]

I do stand behind my words! I have this whole time and not once did I beg you to believe me, not once did I implore you to take my words to heart! I know what I am, what I deserve, everything! And perhaps it is a punishment, to no longer have you trust in anything that I say but don't dare imply even for a second that I don't stand behind what I am saying. I mourn, I grieve everyday for what I lost, for what I caused, and wish that just for one day, one day, that I could go back and changed it all.

But I can't.

[She finally calms herself, closing her eyes to try and prevent those tears from resurfacing.]

I can't.

[She opened her eyes again.]

I used to. Not anymore.

Edited 2011-10-11 08:29 (UTC)

I know the choice is mine. You talk too much, Genesis. You always did. [It's true, he isn't willing to listen to her yet. He's stubborn, but she knows that. They both are.]

As soon as I refuse to accept your apology, you say you wonder if telling me what you did was worth anything. That does not sound like someone who stands behind their words. Not to me.

Your talk of grief and mourning sounds like so much self-pity. No, the past cannot be changed. Perhaps if you did some good, it might make up for what you did.

[He looks away from her, for the first time, looks out to sea, though he doesn't drop his guard.] It wasn't always so bad, when we fought.

No, as soon as you accept my answer to your question, I wonder if my words are wasted. I gave you an answer to a question. As soon as you start questioning that answer is when I begin to wonder what the point of it all is.

What will you accept? If it is nothing, then why bother?

[A short, humorless laugh.]

If by doing good means that I keep out of everyone's lives and live alone, then perhaps it does make up for it. If by helping Reeve's behind the scenes once in awhile counts as doing some good, then perhaps I am beginning to make up for what I have done.

But that isn't up for me to decide.

[She scoffs.]

Why are you so obsessed with me fighting you?

If you stand behind your words, you never wonder if they are wasted. Even if they are never accepted. If you believed your words were true, you wouldn't ask "why bother".

Obsessed? [He turns away from the sea to look at her.] Do I seem as if I wanted to fight you? If so, I would draw my sword. It is not solely a negative, is it? We used to challenge each other. [Fighting had been a part of their friendship. He doesn't expect this female version of Genesis to be much different, but he's open to the possibility that she might be.] Was it not that way for you?

I stand behind my words, I always have, don't question that.

[She chooses not to answer anymore. She can't accurately say what she feels, apparently, for all she received is questions and doubts. Genesis doesn't want to keep doubting, it had taken her long enough to come to terms with her guilt.

She doesn't want anyone questioning if it's real or not. She knows it is. That much, she is sure.]

Right now, you do. You have mentioned several times now that you prefer actions, for me to fight you, even saying it wasn't so bad when we did. Just because you have not drawn your sword doesn't mean that you don't want to fight, not when you keep mentioning it.

[She shakes her head.]

We fought a lot. Spars, battles, everything. Always starting as friendly and turning into something more as my temper got the best of me. All I can remember is my anger and right now, I don't want to fight you. Not if you are expecting actions to speak louder than words. Not right now.

I'll question whatever I wish, Genesis. [He's certainly not going to take orders about what he can question.

She seems to take everything he says in the worst possible way. Not that he doesn't do the same, himself, but where he's concerned, these events, the end of their friendship, are recent, their bite still sharp. His tone sharpens, too.] I enjoyed our sparring, when we were young. Perhaps you did not, but it wasn't always unpleasant, not for me. That's all I meant.

When I spoke of preferring action, I wasn't necessarily referring to fighting. I meant that if you did some good, I might believe you, but as we've already stated, this is just a dream. But if you do wake up, and you still wish to apologize to me, take some useful action.

[Of course you will. She sighs and waves a hand. She is just not going to talk about that anymore.]

When we were young, it was fun. I remember that. I will always remember the happier days in our lives. I do prefer it, I just... know that eventually, it was my fault that it turned into more than just playful spars.

[She nods. She likes that he isn't expecting her to fight right now. But at the end of his words, she shakes her head, brows furrowing. She doesn't know what sort of impact it would have were she tell him what happens to him but... who knows, perhaps it is different in his world. Maybe he doesn't go insane, maybe things get better...

She shakes her head.]

Sephiroth... it's impossible. You are dead. You have been for several years.

Yes, it was your fault. [He says that so bluntly.] I could never understand why you changed, but I could never back down from a challenge.

[Her words make little sense to him. It's impossible that it could be years ago, that he could be dead. He knows where he is, and when.] The future is not set. It is never set.

I am not dead, but even if I were, you can act in my honor, can you not? [His temper flares, though he remains still. It's his expression that changes.] I am carrying on, now, for Angeal's sake, in his honor. [Not for Genesis.] Not because he will ever speak to me or give me accolades, for death has silenced him, but because it is the right thing to do, and what he would want.

[She can't help the heavenward roll of her eyes when she speaks so bluntly. Sephiroth, she's well aware, stating what she knew isn't helping her feel any better or worse.]

Honestly, I don't even know when the change began and I wish I had realized it, that I had known I was changing and stopped myself then. I can't do that anymore and I know this.

[She shakes her head.]

Yes, you are dead. In my world, where you are well aware that I am a woman, you are dead. You died several years ago because you- [Because she told you the truth at the wrong time with the wrong words. She stops and shakes her head.] I carry on for both of you now. For your honor and to atone for my sins. Death has silenced the both of you.

And because it is, indeed, the right thing to do. You and Angeal were my friends, I love you both more than anything and I, myself, destroyed it all. Because I couldn't handle the truth of my origins, because I believed in lies more than my friends and family. I wasn't thinking, I was foolish, and this is what I got. I got what the cure I wanted at a steep price.

[She sits down at the end of the cannon, legs swinging. She's leaving herself vulnerable on purpose.]

All I can do, all I am doing, is living with the burden on my actions and hoping that one day, I can atone for my actions, for all the wrongs I committed. I had done this for three years now and when I wake up, I will continue doing it.

Edited 2011-10-12 21:37 (UTC)

Things could have been different, if you'd asked for my help instead of turning away.

Now you seem obsessed with my death. You've already said as much. I don't need to be told again.

The future is not set, as I said. There is more than one possible outcome. Where you're from, you're a woman. The Genesis in my world is a man. There may be other differences as well. You have no way of knowing. I may make different choices, or others might, which affect the outcome. If I am dead, what then? I'm a SOLDIER. I have no fear of death. I expect I will die. We all will. What am I living for? That's what I ask myself. [Almost everything has been taken from him, and all at once.]

Yes, you destroyed everything. Now what remains revolves around you, as you wanted. [He knows he's being cruel, perhaps needlessly, but his control of himself, though still strong, is not, perhaps, complete. He sighs, relenting a little once he's expressed more of his anger. He so rarely expresses it when awake.] At least you're doing some good. I'm glad of that.

I said as much and you refused to believe such a claim, hence why I had to further explain myself. Don't mix that up with obsession.

[Again, she refuses to answer. He is being needlessly cruel. He is pointing everything she already knew, everything she was very well aware of. As she had only stated multiple times. She wasn't sure what that accomplished for him. Eventually, she leaned back on her hands, legs still swinging absently. She leans her head back and to the side, looking at him from the corner of her eyes.]

I can tell there is still more anger in you. More that you want to express. Go on, say all that you want. It won't be anything new to me, but you may as well express it in some form. A different world or not, I'm sure you hardly ever express emotion, keeping it bottled within.

I was not speaking literally. There's no need to repeat yourself, because I won't believe in the fact of my death while I yet live. What kind of SOLDIER would I be if I did that?

[He studies her.] But you're not my Genesis, are you? You're not my Genesis and this isn't real. Perhaps you're right, and my emotions are dormant, unexpressed.

You were raised by parents, in a household. [He says it coldly, conscious of the fate of Genesis' foster parents.] I was raised quite differently. I am different than you are. My emotions are different. You tell me to express my anger, but I--

[He breaks off.] Perhaps that isn't wise. You always expressed your emotions, perhaps too much. There is something to be said for holding back.

Clearly, I am not.

But if you know I was raised by parents within a house, then it's the same for your Genesis. As such, I can that without a doubt, it doesn't matter how you were raised. You have emotions. You feel. You may have been taught and become used to not expression them but that certainly doesn't mean you don't feel the same as others do.

That was perhaps one of the main things that aggravated me the most about you. [She looked back to the ocean, scoffing.] You believed that every little thing about yourself was different from the rest, simply because you don't have parents and were practically raised by scientists who knew nothing of children, only subjects.

Well, Sephiroth. You are not different. You were raised differently, taught different things, you even believe different things. But at the core of every human, you are one and the same as everyone else.

[She leaned on one hand to use the other to gesticulate lightly of her next words.]

You don't express your emotions, I express them too much. You have one extreme and the other, so you know what the middle ground would be. You even know when to hold back. And thus, you know how much to express and when to stop. You don't have much of an excuse not to say how you feel about me, about everything that has happened to you.

[She rested on her hands again.]

This isn't real. It's but a dream of my own as I sleep. Go on, express yourself. Express too much if you so desired, it won't effect your world, nor will it effect mine. Other than my memories, perhaps.

I know what the middle ground would be. Angeal. [He pauses for a long time.] Perhaps we can't come together without him.

I am clearly different, Genesis, if not completely different. I do not deny that I am human, but I am other. Is that what bothers you? It always seemed to, as if you felt I had become different for the sole purpose of irking you. I wonder if it was because you wished to be the most different.

I've always felt different, a person apart, and my feelings aren't always the same. You understand, I was tested. My emotional and physical reactions were cataloged. Someone raised and taught differently is different.

You--or the Genesis I know--have done your best to turn what feelings I had for you to hatred. Is that what you wish to hear? Or maybe it would please you to see me lose control.

It doesn't matter, Sephiroth, if they recorded you every physical and mental reaction. I'm not them. I'm not going to file anything away for the sole purpose of knowing that much about you.

[She sighed exasperatedly. Her voice softened.]

You receive praise, become the hero in many people's eyes, yet you shrugged it off. Acted like you didn't care or even wanted it. Maybe you didn't but that was the thing. Even what you didn't want, you never really expressed it. I hated you, belittled you, whathaveyou, you acted like you never really cared.

That's what irked me the most, Sephiroth. I didn't know what you felt. Did you enjoy my company? Did you hate it? What did you or did not like about me? Anything and everything and... I never really know. Aside from LOVELESS, that is.

I don't know... I didn't... mean to end up hating you and my hatred was never fully genuine anyway. It was everything built up and then the degradation happened which only added fuel to the fire and... [Sigh.] It's not excuse but that doesn't change that I never knew where I stood with you.

I never really knew if I was truly your friend, or if I was just the third wheel to your friendship with Angeal, whom I knew you greatly respected, admired, and counted as friend. With me.

I just never knew for sure.

No, understanding me never was your goal, was it?

I became what Shinra wanted me to become. I see now that I was treated as their property. You envied me. What was there to envy? Why should I care? My heroism didn't take away from yours. You believed that it did. You were wrong, so I could not and would not react to what was nothing but a delusion on your part. Why should I have acknowledged it? To be honorable mattered to me. To do my duty as a SOLDIER and lead my men into battle. To fight at your side. That meant something to me.

I knew no family, no friends, no warmth until I met you and Angeal.

That should tell you all you need to know. Angeal understood that. He didn't need me to tell him. He didn't envy or hate me. Perhaps that was why, in the end, I came to care for him more.

Because if you had acknowledged it, perhaps our fighting would have never began. Ignoring me only made it worse, made me think all the wrong things because I never had confirmation on what I had thought about you.

Angeal isn't me. Angeal is content with remaining silent, with observing. I need to be told, to talk and converse. Leaving me to figure out and interpret your stoic moods did nothing but fuel the anger within my heart.

Friends talk, Sephiroth. That's why you should have acknowledged it. If I was wrong, then you should have said so. Don't simply grunt and remain silent, even walk away. It had only made me feel like I was less than a friend in your eyes. [She shook her head, exhaling through her nose.] But I suppose you thought that by ignoring the problem it would go away. Instead, it festered.

[She stood up and turned around, looking at Sephiroth straight in the eyes. She realized something.]

You ignored your friend. And you honestly wonder how I could have thought the things I thought? The things he thought? You may not be the one who started the problem, but you certainly did nothing to help solve it, did you?

Edited 2011-10-19 06:17 (UTC)

Ah, I'm glad you've found a way to blame me yet again, Genesis. Does that improve your mood? I did what I could to solve it. I tried, but many things were out of my hands. You left, both of you left me.

I know Angeal isn't you. I'd be a fool to confuse the two of you.

I didn't ignore you. You ignored those signs I did give you. Perhaps they weren't dramatic enough for you. My words clearly weren't enough for you, nor my friendship. I'm sorry I didn't pander to your fits and rages. [He certainly doesn't sound sorry.]

[She frowns and her brows furrowed.]

You just don't understand, do you, Sephiroth? You never did. It's not about my mood or even shifting blame onto you! You said you wouldn't acknowledge anything I said but you somehow didn't ignore me and depended on signs to let me know you care?!

I didn't see them because I was ignoring them, Seph! I didn't see them because I didn't see them! You were my friend and I thought you didn't care, I assumed so much and you didn't take the time to tell me otherwise. I hated you for nothing-!

[She dragged her hands under her eyes, to wipe away at the sudden tears that spilled. Anything she says simply falls on deaf ears.]

What do you want from me?!

[She apologized, acknowledged her actions, her faults, her guilt, everything. She never expected forgiveness from Sephiroth but she hardly expected him to act like this as well.]

You asked me to show my anger, yet you're unhappy when I do. Make up your mind, Genesis. You never could be patient with me. [He turned away. He wasn't particularly moved by tears. It wasn't that he was unfeeling, but he didn't have an emotional response to them. He lowered his voice, but he could still be clearly heard.] Ultimately, I know you aren't to blame.

Calm yourself. I'll answer your question. It's odd, no one asks me what I want. Even you haven't, now. You ask what I want from you, which is another question, and more the kind I'd expect you to ask. But I will tell you what I want. [He took in a deep breath, released it. He felt so odd, these days. He did feel emotions more keenly than before. Part of him felt oddly brittle, as if his exterior was a shell that might crumble away.]

I want my friends returned to me. I want to leave Shinra. I want to be free. I've only lost my friends--days ago. Not years, for me. It has only been a matter of days. Lazard is gone. Everyone expects me to carry on while everything falls apart. Yet I don't want to anymore. [After another long pause, he turned toward her again, moving quickly, his eyes bright, the expression on his face a little wry.] There. I've expressed myself.

Interlude I - The First Dream

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