onepassingnight | Interlude I

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Interlude I - The First Dream

[The Junon Cannon. One of her favorite places, if only in her dreams. It no longer existed, having been destroyed just before Meteorfall. And yet, she still remembered it. Very clearly, in fact. She point to the very same places that she always sat, where Angeal stood, where Sephiroth stood as she recited LOVELESS or they sparred. The Cannon was destroyed many times.

She sighed softly, a breeze playing with her hair. She dug her hands into her pockets, only mildly surprised she wasn't in her normal uniform but a much more casual outfit. The hat had long since been set in the back, where she used to sit with her friends.

Her friends.

She hugged her stomach, looking down at the waters below the tip of the cannon. She struggled to keep her tears inside.]

Do I even have the right to call them as such?

[OOC: Just something tame for now as I get used to this sort of game. XD I recommend listening to this! This can turn into a nightmare if you would like, something happy, or keep it as just a melancholy dream. :3 Up to you guys!]

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Yes, it was your fault. [He says that so bluntly.] I could never understand why you changed, but I could never back down from a challenge.

[Her words make little sense to him. It's impossible that it could be years ago, that he could be dead. He knows where he is, and when.] The future is not set. It is never set.

I am not dead, but even if I were, you can act in my honor, can you not? [His temper flares, though he remains still. It's his expression that changes.] I am carrying on, now, for Angeal's sake, in his honor. [Not for Genesis.] Not because he will ever speak to me or give me accolades, for death has silenced him, but because it is the right thing to do, and what he would want.

[She can't help the heavenward roll of her eyes when she speaks so bluntly. Sephiroth, she's well aware, stating what she knew isn't helping her feel any better or worse.]

Honestly, I don't even know when the change began and I wish I had realized it, that I had known I was changing and stopped myself then. I can't do that anymore and I know this.

[She shakes her head.]

Yes, you are dead. In my world, where you are well aware that I am a woman, you are dead. You died several years ago because you- [Because she told you the truth at the wrong time with the wrong words. She stops and shakes her head.] I carry on for both of you now. For your honor and to atone for my sins. Death has silenced the both of you.

And because it is, indeed, the right thing to do. You and Angeal were my friends, I love you both more than anything and I, myself, destroyed it all. Because I couldn't handle the truth of my origins, because I believed in lies more than my friends and family. I wasn't thinking, I was foolish, and this is what I got. I got what the cure I wanted at a steep price.

[She sits down at the end of the cannon, legs swinging. She's leaving herself vulnerable on purpose.]

All I can do, all I am doing, is living with the burden on my actions and hoping that one day, I can atone for my actions, for all the wrongs I committed. I had done this for three years now and when I wake up, I will continue doing it.

Edited 2011-10-12 21:37 (UTC)

Things could have been different, if you'd asked for my help instead of turning away.

Now you seem obsessed with my death. You've already said as much. I don't need to be told again.

The future is not set, as I said. There is more than one possible outcome. Where you're from, you're a woman. The Genesis in my world is a man. There may be other differences as well. You have no way of knowing. I may make different choices, or others might, which affect the outcome. If I am dead, what then? I'm a SOLDIER. I have no fear of death. I expect I will die. We all will. What am I living for? That's what I ask myself. [Almost everything has been taken from him, and all at once.]

Yes, you destroyed everything. Now what remains revolves around you, as you wanted. [He knows he's being cruel, perhaps needlessly, but his control of himself, though still strong, is not, perhaps, complete. He sighs, relenting a little once he's expressed more of his anger. He so rarely expresses it when awake.] At least you're doing some good. I'm glad of that.

I said as much and you refused to believe such a claim, hence why I had to further explain myself. Don't mix that up with obsession.

[Again, she refuses to answer. He is being needlessly cruel. He is pointing everything she already knew, everything she was very well aware of. As she had only stated multiple times. She wasn't sure what that accomplished for him. Eventually, she leaned back on her hands, legs still swinging absently. She leans her head back and to the side, looking at him from the corner of her eyes.]

I can tell there is still more anger in you. More that you want to express. Go on, say all that you want. It won't be anything new to me, but you may as well express it in some form. A different world or not, I'm sure you hardly ever express emotion, keeping it bottled within.

I was not speaking literally. There's no need to repeat yourself, because I won't believe in the fact of my death while I yet live. What kind of SOLDIER would I be if I did that?

[He studies her.] But you're not my Genesis, are you? You're not my Genesis and this isn't real. Perhaps you're right, and my emotions are dormant, unexpressed.

You were raised by parents, in a household. [He says it coldly, conscious of the fate of Genesis' foster parents.] I was raised quite differently. I am different than you are. My emotions are different. You tell me to express my anger, but I--

[He breaks off.] Perhaps that isn't wise. You always expressed your emotions, perhaps too much. There is something to be said for holding back.

Clearly, I am not.

But if you know I was raised by parents within a house, then it's the same for your Genesis. As such, I can that without a doubt, it doesn't matter how you were raised. You have emotions. You feel. You may have been taught and become used to not expression them but that certainly doesn't mean you don't feel the same as others do.

That was perhaps one of the main things that aggravated me the most about you. [She looked back to the ocean, scoffing.] You believed that every little thing about yourself was different from the rest, simply because you don't have parents and were practically raised by scientists who knew nothing of children, only subjects.

Well, Sephiroth. You are not different. You were raised differently, taught different things, you even believe different things. But at the core of every human, you are one and the same as everyone else.

[She leaned on one hand to use the other to gesticulate lightly of her next words.]

You don't express your emotions, I express them too much. You have one extreme and the other, so you know what the middle ground would be. You even know when to hold back. And thus, you know how much to express and when to stop. You don't have much of an excuse not to say how you feel about me, about everything that has happened to you.

[She rested on her hands again.]

This isn't real. It's but a dream of my own as I sleep. Go on, express yourself. Express too much if you so desired, it won't effect your world, nor will it effect mine. Other than my memories, perhaps.

I know what the middle ground would be. Angeal. [He pauses for a long time.] Perhaps we can't come together without him.

I am clearly different, Genesis, if not completely different. I do not deny that I am human, but I am other. Is that what bothers you? It always seemed to, as if you felt I had become different for the sole purpose of irking you. I wonder if it was because you wished to be the most different.

I've always felt different, a person apart, and my feelings aren't always the same. You understand, I was tested. My emotional and physical reactions were cataloged. Someone raised and taught differently is different.

You--or the Genesis I know--have done your best to turn what feelings I had for you to hatred. Is that what you wish to hear? Or maybe it would please you to see me lose control.

It doesn't matter, Sephiroth, if they recorded you every physical and mental reaction. I'm not them. I'm not going to file anything away for the sole purpose of knowing that much about you.

[She sighed exasperatedly. Her voice softened.]

You receive praise, become the hero in many people's eyes, yet you shrugged it off. Acted like you didn't care or even wanted it. Maybe you didn't but that was the thing. Even what you didn't want, you never really expressed it. I hated you, belittled you, whathaveyou, you acted like you never really cared.

That's what irked me the most, Sephiroth. I didn't know what you felt. Did you enjoy my company? Did you hate it? What did you or did not like about me? Anything and everything and... I never really know. Aside from LOVELESS, that is.

I don't know... I didn't... mean to end up hating you and my hatred was never fully genuine anyway. It was everything built up and then the degradation happened which only added fuel to the fire and... [Sigh.] It's not excuse but that doesn't change that I never knew where I stood with you.

I never really knew if I was truly your friend, or if I was just the third wheel to your friendship with Angeal, whom I knew you greatly respected, admired, and counted as friend. With me.

I just never knew for sure.

No, understanding me never was your goal, was it?

I became what Shinra wanted me to become. I see now that I was treated as their property. You envied me. What was there to envy? Why should I care? My heroism didn't take away from yours. You believed that it did. You were wrong, so I could not and would not react to what was nothing but a delusion on your part. Why should I have acknowledged it? To be honorable mattered to me. To do my duty as a SOLDIER and lead my men into battle. To fight at your side. That meant something to me.

I knew no family, no friends, no warmth until I met you and Angeal.

That should tell you all you need to know. Angeal understood that. He didn't need me to tell him. He didn't envy or hate me. Perhaps that was why, in the end, I came to care for him more.

Because if you had acknowledged it, perhaps our fighting would have never began. Ignoring me only made it worse, made me think all the wrong things because I never had confirmation on what I had thought about you.

Angeal isn't me. Angeal is content with remaining silent, with observing. I need to be told, to talk and converse. Leaving me to figure out and interpret your stoic moods did nothing but fuel the anger within my heart.

Friends talk, Sephiroth. That's why you should have acknowledged it. If I was wrong, then you should have said so. Don't simply grunt and remain silent, even walk away. It had only made me feel like I was less than a friend in your eyes. [She shook her head, exhaling through her nose.] But I suppose you thought that by ignoring the problem it would go away. Instead, it festered.

[She stood up and turned around, looking at Sephiroth straight in the eyes. She realized something.]

You ignored your friend. And you honestly wonder how I could have thought the things I thought? The things he thought? You may not be the one who started the problem, but you certainly did nothing to help solve it, did you?

Edited 2011-10-19 06:17 (UTC)

Ah, I'm glad you've found a way to blame me yet again, Genesis. Does that improve your mood? I did what I could to solve it. I tried, but many things were out of my hands. You left, both of you left me.

I know Angeal isn't you. I'd be a fool to confuse the two of you.

I didn't ignore you. You ignored those signs I did give you. Perhaps they weren't dramatic enough for you. My words clearly weren't enough for you, nor my friendship. I'm sorry I didn't pander to your fits and rages. [He certainly doesn't sound sorry.]

[She frowns and her brows furrowed.]

You just don't understand, do you, Sephiroth? You never did. It's not about my mood or even shifting blame onto you! You said you wouldn't acknowledge anything I said but you somehow didn't ignore me and depended on signs to let me know you care?!

I didn't see them because I was ignoring them, Seph! I didn't see them because I didn't see them! You were my friend and I thought you didn't care, I assumed so much and you didn't take the time to tell me otherwise. I hated you for nothing-!

[She dragged her hands under her eyes, to wipe away at the sudden tears that spilled. Anything she says simply falls on deaf ears.]

What do you want from me?!

[She apologized, acknowledged her actions, her faults, her guilt, everything. She never expected forgiveness from Sephiroth but she hardly expected him to act like this as well.]

You asked me to show my anger, yet you're unhappy when I do. Make up your mind, Genesis. You never could be patient with me. [He turned away. He wasn't particularly moved by tears. It wasn't that he was unfeeling, but he didn't have an emotional response to them. He lowered his voice, but he could still be clearly heard.] Ultimately, I know you aren't to blame.

Calm yourself. I'll answer your question. It's odd, no one asks me what I want. Even you haven't, now. You ask what I want from you, which is another question, and more the kind I'd expect you to ask. But I will tell you what I want. [He took in a deep breath, released it. He felt so odd, these days. He did feel emotions more keenly than before. Part of him felt oddly brittle, as if his exterior was a shell that might crumble away.]

I want my friends returned to me. I want to leave Shinra. I want to be free. I've only lost my friends--days ago. Not years, for me. It has only been a matter of days. Lazard is gone. Everyone expects me to carry on while everything falls apart. Yet I don't want to anymore. [After another long pause, he turned toward her again, moving quickly, his eyes bright, the expression on his face a little wry.] There. I've expressed myself.

[It was hearing Sephiroth say that she wasn't ultimately to blame that caused her breath to hitch, but she stays silent, sniffling and listening. She shakes her head.]

...Lazard is gone because he's actually the one behind the war. [Her voice is quiet.] It may be hard to believe but Lazard started the war. Hollander and Lazard have been planning this for some time. My degradation only helped their plans. I'd made a deal with them. Convince SOLDIERs to come join the rebellion and they would work to find me a cure.

So I did it.

[But she won't say much more. Clearly, things had gotten out of control and things happened that couldn't be undone. But at the time, she didn't care. She wanted ShinRa to burn, just like Lazard and Hollander wanted as well. She couldn't give Sephiroth what he wanted. She never could.]

[He was actually surprised by her words, enough that he was speechless for a moment.] Lazard did? That is hard to believe. I never would have suspected-- [He broke off, took a few moments to consider this. It was a great deal to take in.] Somehow, I'm not surprised. So much treachery. They betrayed us.

But I was not speaking of Shinra. I was speaking of myself, for once. I want to do something for myself. [Yet he does speak of Shinra, again.]

You were right to leave. Right to be angry with them. I don't agree with the way you did it, but-- [He broke off again, continuing more quietly.] Something should be done.

[She shook her head, a small mirthless laugh leaving her as she sniffled one last time.] No, don't do what I did.

Just... just leave. Get out while you can.

[She swallowed thickly.]

Talk to him? Your Genesis, I mean. At some point, he will probably ask for your help and say all the wrong things but... help him anyway?

[If his Genesis was mirroring her own destructive ways back then, then she was sure he would turn up at Nibelheim and be the catalyst to Sephiroth's insanity.

Perhaps she could prevent it, this time.]

Edited 2011-10-19 21:40 (UTC)

I can't leave. Not yet. How could I desert them, the ones who depend on me? I doubt ShinRa would be so eager to let me go. [They don't allow people to leave like that, not when they're useful, especially not as useful as he is to them. Or how much of a danger he would be if he were to stand against them. He'd be a liability.] What would I do then? Fight them all? Start a war? [This remark may be more than a little pointed.] No, that's not what I want to do.

I want to leave, but it isn't as easy as simply walking away.

[He turns to look at her, searchingly.] And it won't be so easy to be kind to Genesis, after what he's done.

I didn't say to start a war. [She snorted at that pointed look.] But leave soon. Leave quietly. Anything. Take Zack with you and anyone else you want but just... leave.

[She knows it's not easy but it was either he tried now or there was the risk of Nibelheim. She returns his searching look with a sigh.]

Yes, I know. I'm not asking you to be kind or take him in or anything. Just... talk to him. I think everything could be prevented if we'd just... talked. Clearly, I wasn't in my right mind to simply walk up to you for a chat and I doubt your Genesis is the same.

It's a lot to ask for, I know.

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Interlude I - The First Dream

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