onepassingnight | ❀ Fourth Illusion ❀ Kanda Yu

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❀ Fourth Illusion ❀ Kanda Yu

Kanda had been expecting some animosity on his return. No one really liked a traitor.

To his surprise, it had all been the exact opposite. The minute Kanda had walked through the main gates of the Chinese branch, he was greeted with sobs, tears, and exclamations about how he was never allowed to die or not!die the way he had again. Komui had taken him into his arms and Lenalee had sobbed and followed suite. After everyone was sure Kanda's hands couldn't reach for his sword he had been overrun by a dog pile. They told him he was home. Kanda knew better.

The only reason he had returned was because he had to. Being an exorcist meant he had to do what the innocence living inside of him wanted: kill akuma. If he went off that plan he would be corrupted and then he would become a fallen. He'd lose his mind and die in excruciating pain. Kanda had things to do before he decided to bite the dust.

I have someone to find...

After the scientists and the section leaders had their turn welcoming Kanda back, they left him to his own devices. He hadn't eaten in days so the first place he went to was Jerry's kitchen in the cafeteria. The guy was so annoyingly animated he figured it was going to take a lot of patience to deal with him. He hadn't even gotten near the cue line when he could all ready hear Jerry talking.

"Well if it isn't my new favorite General!" Several finders turned around and gave Kanda a hard look. "Where have you been? I've ordered all this soba and you haven't been here to eat it all."

Kanda gave him a weak smile and ordered his usual before sitting in the farthest corner away from everyone. He was a general now. No doubt about it.

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He stays silent. The words don't evoke a reaction in him. Instead, he takes a deep breath noticeable even inside of his armor.

"I don't have the right to say who should she love."

John loved Ami. There was no doubt about it. She had every trait he admired in a person - in many of his personal dreams, he saw her in the same place as Cortana, Halsey, and his first mother. But there was a difference: He loved her as a daughter, and even he know of the mortality Mercury was devoid of.

"But I'm worried for her. I won't be there for her forever."

Somehow his brain raked up an old memory of some similar situation as the one he found himself in. Not long ago Komui had told him something similar, about how Kanda had more of a chance to watch Lenalee grow than he did. It was how he noticed John wasn't looking at Ami through a romantic stand point but that of a brother, or a father, someone who just cared. He couldn't hate John for it, Ami was a special girl who had unfortunate things happen to her. She was confused but she wasn't a bad person.

"I don't think your giving Ami enough credit." He switched feet leading the way somewhere deeper. They could still be over heard. For, the A.I. of this branch had a nasty knack of getting her nose into other people's business. The last thing they needed was someone figuring out there was something wrong.

"She didn't exactly need you before you came along. I'm sure she would have found her way someday. She's a strong woman and she's smart. I'm sure if there's something she doesn't like, she would handle it. Or kill it." A chuckle. "We have that in common, at least."

The Spartan's visor slightly faces him as he mentions the use of killing as a solution. That was Spartan philosophy at its finest, right there, unbeknown to Kanda. Only guessing that there was an A.I. that could be eavesdropping, he would have agreed with the decision, as well.

"I know she's strong."

She was one of the strongest people he had ever met. A mind as sharp as Halsey's.

"But no one should ever fight alone."

As strong as one can be. He already knows what is it like.

"I'll agree with that."

Kanda had been alone for all of his life. Being inhuman sort of gave you a bad reputation and his attitude towards the order that had created him and the world he had become a part of again hadn't made things any easier. Despite that, he had people who would do anything for him, he hadn't cherished that before but now he wasn't ignoring it.

"If you're trying to figure out what I would do for her, the answers anything. She's got a lot of enemies and I don't intend on having them hurt her. She's my woman. I'm won't live forever but I'd like to see someone try to kill me."

The exorcist project had made him invincible, of course. Unfortunately, he was running out of time if he hadn't quite run out of it yet. Kanda didn't matter, he had a reason to live now. He didn't feel like finishing his business and hitting a grave anymore. He needed to find her.

"But we don't have to worry about my mortality just yet. I need to find her first."

Anything. In spite of their differences... he saw that in common. The desire to help her. Whatever the cost. He didn't understand the possessiveness -the use of 'my girl'-. In a partner in combat, he was always a part of them just as much the other person was part of him, but he understood Kanda.

Especially their shared concerns. While they were mortals, they had survived many perils and many stars.

"I met her in a world that got the strongest of every universe. We've seen eachother a lot since then." Five years. In those years, Ami became the closest friend he ever had. "Some worlds have it easier. Others... they need more effort."

The fear of losing Ami as soon as he returned to his universe. Suddenly, he sympathizes with Kanda.

"She has a knack for finding others."

If she loves him, she will find him.

"She told me about that place." He responded, "I thought I met Ami in a place called Star Kingdom. According to her, the Ami I knew wasn't her but as much as she liked to complain about it, it took me a while to figure it out. She wasn't the girl I knew, she was better."

The thing that always annoyed him about that old Ami was the fact she let the world walk all over her. She was always complaining about the world being cruel to her and yet she never did anything about it. This one wasn't like that. Sure, sometimes Kanda felt she had her heart in the wrong place (ironic, hu?) but she was getting there. She just needed help. Too many years of hate did things to a person. He knew that.

"I don't know how I'll find her, our world's are so far apart but I will." And he gives him a nervous look. "... how else can I marry her."

Star Kingdom. He kept the name in his memory to study it later. It would be another place to study if it was possible to do so without getting captured. He knew of the differences between the Amis he knew. What hers lost in innocence and company, she gained in power.

It meant they had to protect her even more.

John turns to Kanda the second he hears the word 'marry'. For a full seven seconds, he says nothing while he looks at him. Kanda was serious. He wanted to be with Ami. What did it make him feel, he wasn't sure. He wanted a happy life for her, and that someone would bid his time alive to do so is the best that could ever happen to Ami.

That someone else was willing to bind himself for her sent many conflicting feelings in him.

After a moment of long silence, he states.

"You want to live with her."

"You're not very smart, are you?"

John's reaction to his comment on wanting to marry her was probably normal. Most people didn't talk about that so lightly but to Kanda there was no point in hiding from John. Ami was his, they had made that official some time ago and through Kanda's traditions, he was supposed to marry her before doing the things they had done. Needless to say, Kanda knew since then that he was going to propose soon. He just preferred to do it in person.

"When people get married, they tend to live together. Do you understand that? It's why I need to find her, get out of my world and try and get to hers. I can't do that until I finish my work here but she knows that all ready. I won't die until I find my way to her world." Because he's confident there just has to be a way.

He slowly turns to Kanda. For a Spartan, he thought of himself as intelligent. But even something like marriage with the person he wants to protect needs confirmation. That way, Kanda would not need to reveal what prompted his need to marry.

Kanda's desire. And his obligation to finish things in his world. With the awakening of the Didact, he knew it too well.

"Ami and I are world-jumpers."

A lonely fate, he grew to think about.

"Crossing worlds takes knowledge, technology... and luck." Always luck. "She hopped twice into my world, and she's been reading more into it. If you have a friend who would know about it... tell him of your dreams."

"I don't know what you're getting at." He muttered, feeling himself growing annoyed. Perhaps it was his own social awkwardness and the fact he didn't quite know the proper way to talk to people that he kept confusing himself.

"Why are you interrogating me again? I told you, I'm serious about Ami. Isn't that enough?"

His visor looks down. He doesn't answer for a moment.

"What I want is her happiness."

Something he doesn't know if he will be able to give her.

"We don't open up easy." He turns to him. "But if he trusts you, and so do you... I will."

"Tch. You're both idiots."

In his world, Kanda was probably the most difficult person to speak with. He hadn't exactly spoken very kindly to anyone but it wasn't because he didn't know how, he just didn't want to. He hated the Black Order, he despised what they made him so of course his spite would reflect his attitude, but when it came to hopping worlds, he couldn't blame anyone unless they were stupid. He was calmer.

"I don't know what your story is but I know hers and all I can say is that instead of thinking too much, you both should just live in the moment. Respond to what you feel. Don't think about what you're feeling or else that defeats the purpose."

To him there was no such thing as not knowing what you wanted or not knowing how to feel. He felt many things, mostly anger and hate, bt that didn't mean he couldn't feel happiness or love or trust just because he had never experienced it.

"She needs you in her life too though I'm sure she's never told you that," He knows because he's blunt and stubborn enough to ask her questions until she finds the answer," it's not that hard to tell her she means something to you too. Maybe if you both stopped thinking about it so much, you could make things better."

Just. You know. Don't take his woman or he'll sword you.

Suddenly, John feels unexpected guilt over getting Ami to his safari on Requiem.

He only looks at Kanda as he calls Ami and John 'idiots'. Himself, he could accept it, as he learned there were ways of which he still needed to learn and mature; Ami was the most brilliant person he had ever known... only, perhaps, needing the maturity and protection Kanda and John wanted for her.

And it is the sentence that makes him think, once again, over things even Cortana has told him about in Requiem. Old words from Yuuko come back: Of not wasting his time alive.

People really should try to live their lives like they were actually were precious to them. And the world around them, too... It's so wasteful, really.

He lowers his head.

"I think I understand."

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❀ Fourth Illusion ❀ Kanda Yu

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