❀ Fourth Illusion ❀ Kanda Yu

[decaying]

Kanda had been expecting some animosity on his return. No one really liked a traitor.

To his surprise, it had all been the exact opposite. The minute Kanda had walked through the main gates of the Chinese branch, he was greeted with sobs, tears, and exclamations about how he was never allowed to die or not!die the way he had again. Komui had taken him into his arms and Lenalee had sobbed and followed suite. After everyone was sure Kanda's hands couldn't reach for his sword he had been overrun by a dog pile. They told him he was home. Kanda knew better.

The only reason he had returned was because he had to. Being an exorcist meant he had to do what the innocence living inside of him wanted: kill akuma. If he went off that plan he would be corrupted and then he would become a fallen. He'd lose his mind and die in excruciating pain. Kanda had things to do before he decided to bite the dust.

I have someone to find...

After the scientists and the section leaders had their turn welcoming Kanda back, they left him to his own devices. He hadn't eaten in days so the first place he went to was Jerry's kitchen in the cafeteria. The guy was so annoyingly animated he figured it was going to take a lot of patience to deal with him. He hadn't even gotten near the cue line when he could all ready hear Jerry talking.

"Well if it isn't my new favorite General!" Several finders turned around and gave Kanda a hard look. "Where have you been? I've ordered all this soba and you haven't been here to eat it all."

Kanda gave him a weak smile and ordered his usual before sitting in the farthest corner away from everyone. He was a general now. No doubt about it.

Comments

[decaying]

Her last words sparked some interest. It really hadn't hit him how much of his world Ami didn't know, or about him, that it was no surprise she would be curious. He started leading her again, her arm secured under his as he figured showing her around wouldn't hurt.

"We're in the Chinese Branch of the Black Order Headquarters at the moment. It's been in existence for centuries. We're literally inside a mountain range and the headquarters go deep into the ground. There's places that are too hot for some and others too cold. It's a bottomless cave to say the least."

He led her upwards towards a landing that looked down upon one of the main research areas. There were people in lab-coats running around mountains of books all over the place. He paused, leaning against the stone railing as he pointed at the only different individual from the lot. He was wearing white but it was similar to an exorcist coat. He was standing in front of several projectors. For the 1800's, they sure had a lot of modern technology they were messing around with.

"That blond idiot there is Bak Chang, he's the supervisor of this branch. His family has been in charge of this branch since its founding. His grandfather was my teacher, Master Zu, he was the one who made my first sword as an anti-akuma weapon. His parents were..."

And he came to a pause as his thoughts were interrupted. Through the sea of white downstairs a blond girl decked in a red dress was walking gracefully through the scientists. No one seemed to notice her as she moved about the desks and tables of the group. A one point, a scientist walked right through her but that didn't make the illusion fade. Kanda pulled away from the railing and tugged on Ami.

"Let's go."

[waterfell]

At first, she let herself be led. She was curious, and the location was as unusual and secluded as the Dark Kingdom had been. Her analogy of its caverns and foggy tunnels had been fitting.

The research area was not at all what she would have expected, knowing Kanda's time and era. That alone was enough to impress her, and she could have happily spent days, or at the very least hours, questioning the scientists there.

Instead, something made Ami take a second look at the blond woman. "Wait," she said, as she shifted for a better glimpse. An instinctive wariness trickled through her. "Who is that?"

[decaying]

"She's nobody."

Kanda really didn't want to get into this. He didn't want to explain to her how Ami had taken that woman's place. How could he tell her about his past, it was confusing and he didn't want to put up with Ami's attitude knowing there was someone else. He tugged her again.

"Come on, don't just wait around and-"

But his brain was deceiving him. The girl was no longer downstairs but instead she was walking right behind them, her dress flowing as if she were walking through some invisible wind. Being this close, her laughter could be heard so feminine and soft. He closed his eyes. Kanda was getting pissed.

[waterfell]

Unfortunately, Ami was a stubborn disposition, and a mind that wanted to know everything. The two combined meant she had no intention of simply ignoring the mystery of this woman (and what she was to Kanda).

It was only worse when the woman appeared behind them. Ami's head turned sharply to the side, glancing behind her as much as she could by the movements. She didn't like being followed. Not by anyone. Certainly not by an unknown factor.

"She's a persistent nobody," she observed to Kanda.

[decaying]

"She's not persistent." He muttered in an uncomfortable monotone. "She doesn't exist."

As if to prove his point, she flickered away and disappeared leaving the hallway they were standing in rather vacant now that her bright colors had disappeared. Kanda turned his back to the spot and tugged on her hand slightly annoyed.

"Can you move it all ready?"

[waterfell]

Doesn't exist? "A hallucination?" This only made Ami halfway turn around again. How was she seeing a hallucination of someone she'd never seen before?

Wait. This all belonged to Kanda: his comrades, their base... this woman. Then she was seeing this vision through Kanda's own thoughts?

... or memories?

"What do you mean?" she asked quickly, but she let him lead her away with the apparition gone. She was far from eager to see a hallucination again.

[decaying]

"She's... part of my old life." He started explaining using his words wisely to keep her from losing her temper at him. "I've told you that I wasn't human, right? That I wasn't born like normal children were? I was actually made in this place, the rooms have been locked off but it was in the lower chambers of this cave that the Black Priest's were conducting the second exorcist experiments."

He figured he might as well take her as gar as they could go before they reached shut doors. There were warning signs in different languages and even some pictures taped to the door alongside a few crosses. A lot of people died that day when Alma lost it. He tightened his grip on Ami.

"I used to be someone else, another exorcist. Eventually, they started noticing that they were losing more exorcists than they could possibly find. It's hard to find people who are compatible with the innocence so they figured they would make them by taking deceased exorcists and trying to replicate them. I'm.... probably somewhere still in there. My original body. All I have are those memories. They're not complete, I don't know a lot of things but I know that I died and that the woman was... she was mine." And it sounded terrible to say but he figured he shouldn't keep secrets.

"I don't know why or how, but she was. To me, she's just a ghost. I can't hate her because my memories won't let me, but she's not mine anymore. That's another life and it's not mine. I died but I'm here again. I have my own memories and my own feelings. You don't know how frustrating it is to live like this. It can drive you mad."

[waterfell]

Ami had been born like a human this time (that was also the princess' fault, her wish to have been born on Earth chaining all of them to this life), but she knew what it was to have a past life with strange, unwelcome memories that made no sense and that, frankly, gave her a headache.

It was typical of her that instead of noting that first, she noted Kanda's words. His woman, a lover from a time before she'd even known him. Even she knew she couldn't begrudge him that, but... That woman was also haunting the halls of this place, where she could see him and he could see her!

Just a ghost, he said, dismissing the old feelings for the new. Logic told Ami it should be true: If he wanted to chase a ghost instead of her, the ghost was here to be caught. Instead, he was looking for her, Ami. She remembered him saying that.

Finally, after far too long to sort through these thoughts, and staying far too inscrutable in her expression, she spoke.

"It's the same for me." And as if those words released something holding the rest back, she said more. "I also have a past life, and memories that don't make sense to me. Those memories are the opposite of each other, and can't both be true."

She's had to choose which to believe and always, always the back of her mind wonders if she's chosen right. She doubts choosing the opposite would have erased that worry.

Ami let Kanda keep his tight grip, but her free hand came up to rest lightly on his, as if to ease that tension in his hold. As if to ease that confusion and frustration.

[decaying]

Kanda turned to look at Ami. They hadn't ever really talked about their lives but it felt very relieving now that they were getting into it. The more then learned about each other, the more certain he was Ami was the right one for him.

"It's hard to keep those memories back, but I want my own life." He pushed at the door and stepped in. The place was the same just as he remembered it. He led her onward towards the holding grounds where the hundreds of empty holes now ominously stood.

"I wasn't given a choice, I have to be an exorcist or else the innocence kills me. It sounds so stupidly tragic."

[waterfell]

It was one of the things she remembered: Being told to become a senshi, and saying no. These days, it was easy to forget she changed her mind herself, and to focus only on the fact she'd been pushed into by circumstances, and lied to, just so they could have another soldier.

She wasn't given a choice, either. But what Kanda was saying was as if the power of her sailor crystal would rebound on her and kill her if she failed to follow that senshi life. She didn't find that story stupid, it was real; but most people would call it tragic.

There was only one thing she disagreed with him about, as she shook her head.

"I want to know," she said simply. "If there's a hidden part of me in my memories, I want to know what it is."

[decaying]

"Why would you want to know more," Kanda muttered, letting her go as he walked around the empty pits looking for the one he had come out from, "the past shouldn't matter anymore. I'm not who I used to e and I've accepted that. I don't know everything but things I know I don't want to."

A nine year old shouldn't have to endure what being desperately in love felt like. A nine year old didn't have to endure the pain of death. It was unfair, no one deserved to be punished like this- to have something ripped from you and then reanimated. He felt fake, like a cheat. He was angry at the order for ruining his life but it wasn't all that bad now, was it? He had his own life and he wanted to keep it.

"What if what you find isn't what you wanted at all? I'm not saying people change for the best but I just think the past should stay in the past."

[waterfell]

"If I didn't want it," she answered, "I wouldn't follow it, then." She'd still want to know; that wish is as natural to her as swimming, especially with that back-of-her-mind sense she's gotten something wrong somewhere along the way.

Kanda was right, though, she reflected. What little has come to her in those glimpses of flashbacks have been things she can't believe in, the smiling senshi and friendly girls; or things too horrific to leave her unchanged, a true Ragnarök. They weren't what she wanted at all. They left her confused, angry.