❀ Fourth Illusion ❀ Kanda Yu

[decaying]

Kanda had been expecting some animosity on his return. No one really liked a traitor.

To his surprise, it had all been the exact opposite. The minute Kanda had walked through the main gates of the Chinese branch, he was greeted with sobs, tears, and exclamations about how he was never allowed to die or not!die the way he had again. Komui had taken him into his arms and Lenalee had sobbed and followed suite. After everyone was sure Kanda's hands couldn't reach for his sword he had been overrun by a dog pile. They told him he was home. Kanda knew better.

The only reason he had returned was because he had to. Being an exorcist meant he had to do what the innocence living inside of him wanted: kill akuma. If he went off that plan he would be corrupted and then he would become a fallen. He'd lose his mind and die in excruciating pain. Kanda had things to do before he decided to bite the dust.

I have someone to find...

After the scientists and the section leaders had their turn welcoming Kanda back, they left him to his own devices. He hadn't eaten in days so the first place he went to was Jerry's kitchen in the cafeteria. The guy was so annoyingly animated he figured it was going to take a lot of patience to deal with him. He hadn't even gotten near the cue line when he could all ready hear Jerry talking.

"Well if it isn't my new favorite General!" Several finders turned around and gave Kanda a hard look. "Where have you been? I've ordered all this soba and you haven't been here to eat it all."

Kanda gave him a weak smile and ordered his usual before sitting in the farthest corner away from everyone. He was a general now. No doubt about it.

Comments

[waterfell]

Ami had been born like a human this time (that was also the princess' fault, her wish to have been born on Earth chaining all of them to this life), but she knew what it was to have a past life with strange, unwelcome memories that made no sense and that, frankly, gave her a headache.

It was typical of her that instead of noting that first, she noted Kanda's words. His woman, a lover from a time before she'd even known him. Even she knew she couldn't begrudge him that, but... That woman was also haunting the halls of this place, where she could see him and he could see her!

Just a ghost, he said, dismissing the old feelings for the new. Logic told Ami it should be true: If he wanted to chase a ghost instead of her, the ghost was here to be caught. Instead, he was looking for her, Ami. She remembered him saying that.

Finally, after far too long to sort through these thoughts, and staying far too inscrutable in her expression, she spoke.

"It's the same for me." And as if those words released something holding the rest back, she said more. "I also have a past life, and memories that don't make sense to me. Those memories are the opposite of each other, and can't both be true."

She's had to choose which to believe and always, always the back of her mind wonders if she's chosen right. She doubts choosing the opposite would have erased that worry.

Ami let Kanda keep his tight grip, but her free hand came up to rest lightly on his, as if to ease that tension in his hold. As if to ease that confusion and frustration.

[decaying]

Kanda turned to look at Ami. They hadn't ever really talked about their lives but it felt very relieving now that they were getting into it. The more then learned about each other, the more certain he was Ami was the right one for him.

"It's hard to keep those memories back, but I want my own life." He pushed at the door and stepped in. The place was the same just as he remembered it. He led her onward towards the holding grounds where the hundreds of empty holes now ominously stood.

"I wasn't given a choice, I have to be an exorcist or else the innocence kills me. It sounds so stupidly tragic."

[waterfell]

It was one of the things she remembered: Being told to become a senshi, and saying no. These days, it was easy to forget she changed her mind herself, and to focus only on the fact she'd been pushed into by circumstances, and lied to, just so they could have another soldier.

She wasn't given a choice, either. But what Kanda was saying was as if the power of her sailor crystal would rebound on her and kill her if she failed to follow that senshi life. She didn't find that story stupid, it was real; but most people would call it tragic.

There was only one thing she disagreed with him about, as she shook her head.

"I want to know," she said simply. "If there's a hidden part of me in my memories, I want to know what it is."

[decaying]

"Why would you want to know more," Kanda muttered, letting her go as he walked around the empty pits looking for the one he had come out from, "the past shouldn't matter anymore. I'm not who I used to e and I've accepted that. I don't know everything but things I know I don't want to."

A nine year old shouldn't have to endure what being desperately in love felt like. A nine year old didn't have to endure the pain of death. It was unfair, no one deserved to be punished like this- to have something ripped from you and then reanimated. He felt fake, like a cheat. He was angry at the order for ruining his life but it wasn't all that bad now, was it? He had his own life and he wanted to keep it.

"What if what you find isn't what you wanted at all? I'm not saying people change for the best but I just think the past should stay in the past."

[waterfell]

"If I didn't want it," she answered, "I wouldn't follow it, then." She'd still want to know; that wish is as natural to her as swimming, especially with that back-of-her-mind sense she's gotten something wrong somewhere along the way.

Kanda was right, though, she reflected. What little has come to her in those glimpses of flashbacks have been things she can't believe in, the smiling senshi and friendly girls; or things too horrific to leave her unchanged, a true Ragnarök. They weren't what she wanted at all. They left her confused, angry.