"Zack did check on him regularly. And every time it was 'leave me alone'. He was obsessed with what he read in those books. He didn't stop for anyone. His identity had been taken away and he was busy making a new one."
Cloud was personally familiar with that feeling. And he knows it's not a judgement on Zack but he can't help but respond to defend his friend. He remembers that part of his past with almost painful clarity. It's something his mind has decided to latch onto and hold fast. The dank smell of the passage outside the library, the dusty smell of the books, the restless townspeople - from his own town - outside. And, thanks to the memories stolen from Zack, he remembers the mad conversation as well.
He remembers over four years of torture and knows he's never going to be completely whole again because of it.
His blue eyes lift and there isn't even the hint of hesitation or doubt in them as he firmly says:
"Yeah. I'd go through it again. I couldn't protect the people that needed me before. I can now." The hard edge relaxes just a little bit. "And you don't have to lie, Tseng. I didn't have what it took. I'd still be a Shinra grunt." Thanks to his own time with the Sephiroth that was apparently in all of their heads, he's had time to think, really think, about what both he and Tseng have apparently been doing. Those long delivery trips give him plenty of time for it.
"Zack might not have left Shinra for anything short of those experiments on us considering all he'd already stayed through. Rufus' old man might still be alive and Shinra Electric, the old Shinra Electric, could still have an iron control over everything. The planet could be two years closer to dying." He shakes his head.
"I want them back. Both of them. Aerith and Zack... And - my mom. Nibelheim didn't deserve its murder." He lifts his eyes again to look at Tseng. "Maybe we make it better if we save Sephiroth. But maybe we just make it worse. My first loyalty is to the people who count on me now and their future. Not the past." He's had that lesson thumped into him pretty hard and as much as he wants Zack and Aerith back - as tempting as it is, as much as there's a part of him that would throw away everything to save them, gamble it all - if he has to choose, he knows which one they'd want him to choose.
"If we save him and it changes our world now, it's not worth it. If we save him and it changes his world than I'll help. Ami's the one that deals with alternate worlds of hers. Maybe she'd know at least what we're risking here."
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Cloud was personally familiar with that feeling. And he knows it's not a judgement on Zack but he can't help but respond to defend his friend. He remembers that part of his past with almost painful clarity. It's something his mind has decided to latch onto and hold fast. The dank smell of the passage outside the library, the dusty smell of the books, the restless townspeople - from his own town - outside. And, thanks to the memories stolen from Zack, he remembers the mad conversation as well.
He remembers over four years of torture and knows he's never going to be completely whole again because of it.
His blue eyes lift and there isn't even the hint of hesitation or doubt in them as he firmly says:
"Yeah. I'd go through it again. I couldn't protect the people that needed me before. I can now." The hard edge relaxes just a little bit. "And you don't have to lie, Tseng. I didn't have what it took. I'd still be a Shinra grunt." Thanks to his own time with the Sephiroth that was apparently in all of their heads, he's had time to think, really think, about what both he and Tseng have apparently been doing. Those long delivery trips give him plenty of time for it.
"Zack might not have left Shinra for anything short of those experiments on us considering all he'd already stayed through. Rufus' old man might still be alive and Shinra Electric, the old Shinra Electric, could still have an iron control over everything. The planet could be two years closer to dying." He shakes his head.
"I want them back. Both of them. Aerith and Zack... And - my mom. Nibelheim didn't deserve its murder." He lifts his eyes again to look at Tseng. "Maybe we make it better if we save Sephiroth. But maybe we just make it worse. My first loyalty is to the people who count on me now and their future. Not the past." He's had that lesson thumped into him pretty hard and as much as he wants Zack and Aerith back - as tempting as it is, as much as there's a part of him that would throw away everything to save them, gamble it all - if he has to choose, he knows which one they'd want him to choose.
"If we save him and it changes our world now, it's not worth it. If we save him and it changes his world than I'll help. Ami's the one that deals with alternate worlds of hers. Maybe she'd know at least what we're risking here."