onepassingnight | 001 // icing on the cake

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001 // icing on the cake

[They say that home is where the heart is, right? Appropriate then that one searching for a heart would end up dreaming of the place he had felt most at home.

You'll find yourself on the steps of a clocktower, mere metres away from the perfect place to sit and enjoy the view. The sunset's as beautiful as it always is in this place, the weather perfect and the atmosphere one of comfortable familiarity.

However, your seat is already occupied- a young man in a black coat sits at the edge of the tower, feet dangling. There's an ice cream bar in one of his hands and the other is splayed out against the bricks, holding him up as he leans back slightly, taking it all in.

You gonna join him? He is waiting for someone- after all, this is where they always meet after missions. Why should today be any different?]

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[Axel's mouth feels dry. His voice is hoarse, and shaking ever so slightly with emotion he shouldn't have. He doesn’t seem to notice.]

You left-

[He's admitting the truth to himself more than he's informing Roxas. And that's what matters. More quietly-]

And I died.

[But then, Roxas is also wrong. It's not his next life. It's some kind of twisted afterlife and Axel doesn't know if he was meant to stop running yet. Now that he’s stopped running... does that mean he doesn't get to come back here?]

Edited 2011-09-25 22:50 (UTC)

[If he had a heart, if Sora was right here-- it would stop.]

[Break clean in two, to fit the devastation on Roxas face.]

You...

But--you were-- but it was--

[No.

No no no no no NO!]

[The skies bleed with cracks, light and darkness and emotions that he shouldn't have but can feel, clear as day. He'd expected-- what else had he expected? That everything would be okay, fine and dandy just because he was gone? That Axel would just forget and get on with his job, no regrets, no haunting thoughts?]

[He had. He really, really had.]

[It was so unfair, so unfair in so many ways. Roxas was whole again! He was WHOLE, but life just had to take that and RIP IT through the SEAMS, like he just wasn't meant to be, to be--]

[Be okay. It was never meant to be okay.]

[It wasn't.]

Edited 2011-09-26 11:23 (UTC)

[He can't breathe. He can't move, arms wrapped around his stomach, hand clutching at where his heart should be, head bowed. Around them, everything simply stops, and falls away.]

[They're surrounded by white. Soft, endless white flickering with portraits of Sora's life, and he's...he's back here, he's back here again. In a small, white room, curled up on the floor with a shredded, black book at his side, surrounded by Sora and absolutely nothing of himself. Even Axel doesn't exist anymore, slumped across the floor next to him as he is.]

Edited 2011-09-26 11:23 (UTC)

[Roxas curls up on the floor, clutching his chest and hiding his face.]

[And doesn't get up.]

[Axel had long lost control of the dream. His thoughts and illusions were spiralling out of control, making it no surprise that they gave way to Roxas' so easily. But it is a surprise to Axel.

More important than his foreign surroundings though, is Roxas.

Roxas, who's grip on him first slackened, then disappeared entirely, lays still and quiet next to him, and it scares Axel. Scares him so bad he begins to wish he could take it all back.

He should have admitted the dream wasn't real from the start. He should have kept his death a secret. He shouldn't be here right now, rushing to kneel beside his best friend, afraid of picking him up because he looks so breakable.]

Roxas?

[He doesn't know how to deal with this. He doesn't know what to do, he can't deal with this- hell, he doesn't know how to deal with his own problems- and his mind is still a complete and utter mess.

He shouldn't be able to feel, Axel knows that. But it's always been different with Roxas. Like leaning against a heater and walking away with a warm glow for a little while, he picked something up from that kid. Picked up emotions, borrowed them, or something- he didn't understand it and he doubted he ever fully would.]

Damn it, Roxas-

[He was doing it again. Even now.]

[He's careful, gentle, scooping the boy up into his arms and shaking him a little, all senses on edge as he waits for a reaction.]

C'mon. Wake up.

[Shake shake.]

C'mon.

[...Nothing.]

[And all of a sudden, it's like a dam breaking.

He's angry, so so angry that Roxas gets to do this, gets to react this way, when he's the one who died. He's the one who got left behind.

It's not fair, and he pulls back one hand from Roxas to run it through his hair and tear at the roots, growling frustratedly. It echoes back at him.]

Wake up!

[...And then guilt. Roxas left, but-

He's his best friend.

His best friend. That hasn't changed. Even if he kind of wishes it had- he still cares about this person he's holding onto.

Axel hangs his head, breathing heavily. He just wants things to be whole. For both of them. He wants another chance, he wants to live, he wants Roxas to wake up, so that they can fix this.]

[But he doesn't know what else to do.

So he waits. He counts the seconds, eyes on the still figure in his arms.]

[He misses the dream he was in, misses when he and Axel were friends. He liked it better when Axel was part of the organization and he was the hero, but things were still okay between them. Things were still simple. He wishes it hadn't faded or sent him into the abyss like a punishment. It gave him peace and then took away just as easy.]

[And so he's now falling. The darkness is suffocating, even if he's getting enough oxygen into his lungs. His attention is stolen by a voice.]

[Wake up.]

[Whoever it is, it sounds gentle at first. Encouraging, as Sora's fall slows. The dream reorients him, like gentle hands have reached out and set him upright. He knows he must be close to the ground, because he's moving at a snail's pace, lofting more than falling. And his descent is so very calm, and so very quiet.]

[Wake up.]

[The voice gets louder, more heated. But he can't quite hear it, like it's muffled. Someone on other side of the glass. His feet finally touch down softly.He inhales, shoulders lax. Heart at peace.]

[Then suddenly, without warning, his world, the very darkness cracks in half, splintering into a thousand pieces as Sora's thrown violently in a new dream. Axel is there, and so is Roxas, and something is wrong, but he can't see for a few moments because his vision's gone all white- it hurts]

[He's screaming. It's not the glass that broke, it's something inside - Roxas - that's been shattered and it's on the ground in pieces - Roxas -and it hurts. It hurts so bad, it's broken, it's broken, No, no no no no- Roxas!]

[Roxas stays oh so still and quiet in Axel's arms, refusing to acknowledge that he's even there at all. He doesn't want to be. He doesn't want Axel to be here, either. More than anything, he wants to stay here alone and wake up to find out it really just was his mind making up things-- or to not wake up at all.]

[Not responding to words, or gentle shakes. He just-- it's--]

[It hurts.]

[And then Sora's screaming, and Roxas practically catapults out of Axel's arms, flinging himself around Sora, gritting his teeth and hiding his Other's face in his shoulder just to muffle the sound, even when it can't muffle the shockwaves rushing between them, a cataclysm of pain and hurt-- why why why.]

Sora no, stoppit. Sora, we've--

[He swallows harshly, his throat is so thick with all the tears running down his face, he can't find his voice. He tries again, and again, before simply sitting on the ground with Sora pulled down next to him, leaning against the other heavily. Sharing in the pain and sorrow and fear, fear that it isn't okay.]

[That it can't quite be for a long time.]

[Someone's embraced Sora but it still feels like a sword's being driven into his chest, like someone's twisting it just because they can. But even if it's all shattered, the pieces are there. They're lying at his feet, and they're broken. But none of them have gone missing.

[And Roxas is there, he's got his arms around Sora, and something is wrong with him. But at least he's here now, with hi other. He realizes as Roxas' voice speaks into his ear, as buries Sora's face in his shoulder, that Roxas is the one who's feeling all of this. He's feeling so much of it it's just broken loose and flooded their connection. Dragged him from a place of solace to here where it's all wrong, so he can share the burden.]

[And even if he's never felt anything so painful in his life, his arms shakily reach up and around Roxas, clutching at his coat and pulling him as close as he possibly can.]

[Somewhere in the awful sea of pain, there's a tiny voice that says that Roxas is really, really sad. And he's desperate to fix it. Even if he can't.]

[It's a very small comfort, having Sora this close. His Other, and he's already given up...everything for him. The chance at an individual existence, his pride in his own person, in existing on his own. So much has been sacrificed, and he's just so...]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

[Even his best friend died, to make this work. And Roxas has to wonder just how much more he actually has left to give before this is all completely and utterly worthless to him, until his existence isn't worth it at all.]

A-Axel...

[And somewhere in the midst of all this, Sora opens blurry eyes, and sees Axel. Bewildered. Shocked. Unable to process this chaotic series of events and actions. Axel probably doesn't understand. And for the most part, Sora doesn't understand either.]

[But he knows Axel. And he knows this man is the reason Roxas is hurting.]

[And Sora's hand shakily reaches out for the redhead. For what purpose, it isn't clear. But the key to everything is Axel.]

[He's hesitant for the briefest moment, stung by the fact that once again he's been abandoned, even in the smallest of ways- but Axel can't hold onto that any longer.

The bitterness, the envy because he's never been the one anybody needs around- never like this- the little voice inside his head tempting him to just leave them here, make them hurt like he did- Axel ignores it all.

Because Roxas- and Sora, too- they do need him right now. And the urge to help them, the wish to make this all better, it's bigger than anything else. And besides- what kind of friend would he be if he left?

He sighs heavily and stands, drags himself the few feet he needs to, and slumps again, taking Sora's hand in his.

He'll help. He'll help however he can. And it had better work.]

[And his eyes narrow briefly, like he's besieged by another mysterious pain, or that he's not quite getting what he needs. Sora's hand slips out of Axel's and then blindly clambers right up to his arm to grab the fabric of his shoulder to pull him towards the pair.]

[Sora's not sure this is what's needed to fix it. He doesn't know why he's feeling what Roxas is, or how they're connected. He isn't even sure what caused this in the first place. All he has to go on is the desperate feeling that if Axel disappears, so will Roxas. He doesn't want any of them to.]

[So he pulls them all close: Roxas the friend, and the Roxas he's strangely connected to. Axel the almost-friend of his dreams, and the almost-enemy from his waking. And hangs onto them as tight as he can, hoping the storm passes.]

Edited 2011-09-27 05:12 (UTC)

[Lost to his own thoughts and pain, he almost doesn't notice, when Axel is pulled close. Except he can feel him-- a warmth at his side, a burnt smell that wasn't there a moment ago. Sora holds them close; holds them together, and Roxas lets out a quiet noise, something that could almost be considered a sob as he loosens his hold on Sora, and wraps one arm around Axel too.]

[He never wanted him to die. It wasn't what he'd planned. But if it had already happened, then what could he do, but grieve and accept it?]

[Axel was here in his dreams, he had to find some contentment in that. Even if it took him a long, long time.]

[He'd...he'd figure it out. Somehow.]

I'm sorry.

[Within moments, Axel's stretching his arms out to pull them both in, hold them there. Both of them are so small.

It feels strange, to be comforting right now. Axel didn't think he would ever be able to speak words that would have such an impact on anyone. Especially not like this. He wasn't really worth this.

So all of a sudden, he's seeing it as more of an apology on his behalf than anything- at least concerning Roxas. His best friend was really hurting, thanks to what he did- not that he'd take it back. Still, knowing that aches so much more than when Axel had been focused on his own pain alone.

Although, with Sora- he'd already said his apologies. But it felt right having him here; another person he needed to heal his ties with. And although he'd never say it- Axel did feel the need to comfort him. He wasn't sure what it was with this kid. So damn easy to get along with. To feel for. So different to Roxas, and so similar.]

Heh, nothing to apologise for. It was my choice in the end.

[He says it firmly, voice a little hoarse, and rests his chin on top of Roxas' head, hugging the two tight. Axel doesn't want Roxas to blame himself for this.

Even if he'd done it for him. For them.]

Edited 2011-10-21 08:18 (UTC)

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001 // icing on the cake

2/2

I hope you're happy now 1/?

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1/?

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1/2

1/3 i lied 8V

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1/2 /Quits this shit 8|

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i am not even ashamed of tl;dr at this point